Tag Archives: mental illness


This is a post I thought I’d posted months and months ago, but it was in my drafts…
Hey guys.

I haven’t written a blog post for MONTHS, and the longer I left it, the harder it got. So here’s an update for those of you that got used to me moaning on a weekly basis!

Things have been a bit crazy and weird for me over the last 6 months. I wrote my last post in April, I was a little fucked up then. I changed my anti depressants shortly after, and that seemed to improve my quality of life massively. It seems weird saying it like that, but that’s what happened. I started some tablets to help my anxiety as well, so it started actually feeling like there could be some form of future lurking in the distance for me, which I had started to believe wasn’t ever going to be a possibility for me again.

Although I haven’t accomplished any major victories anxiety wise, day to day living has got easier. At my worst point I was an anxious mess from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning to the moment I closed them again at night. I couldn’t step foot outside the front door without a panic attack within 5 minutes and my whole life just become about anxiety. It was all I could think about, all I could talk about. I lived (Or didn’t) and breathed it. Things have really changed since then. I don’t want to fool any of you into thinking I’m cured, so now’s a good time to tell you I haven’t all of a sudden got the mental balls to get in the car and drive more than 5 miles, but I’ve hit my own small milestones, and that’s something for me to be proud of for sure. I’ve still got a very long way to go, but I guess I am heading in the right direction.

I finally saw a specialist for my stomach issues, and had a colonoscopy last week (For any of you that don’t know what it is, they put a camera in your nether regions to take a look at the inside of your bowel etc, it’s all very dramatic) that in itself is a massive achievement, considering at one point I was struggling to even sit in a doctors waiting room for 10 minutes. Anyhow, they didn’t find anything suspicious looking, but they’ve taken some biopsies which I should get the results of within about 6 weeks. If they come back all clear then it looks like I’m a long serving member of the IBS club. How thrilling.

Things were kind of good-ish, and now I feel like I’m slipping back into the darkness to some extent. Everything just feels a bit over whelming, and knowing that I’m basically just going to have to deal with my stomach issues, and as a result, my anxiety issues, makes me feel a bit blue. It doesn’t make me feel particularly excited about what’s in store for me for the rest of my life! Maybe I am just destined for a fucked up life, who knows. But I’m not alone I know that.

This was harder to write than I thought. Maybe my blogging days are over. It never feels like what I’m writing is worth anything anymore, so it takes the enjoyment out of it.

Hope all you amazing humans are all good.

Lots of love. X

2015-09-25 14.57.50

The lost pieces of me.

When I was in my early teens, I was a completely different person to who I am now. I know as we grow older we all lose parts of us, I guess that’s what growing up is about, maturity, but there are parts of me I wish I hadn’t let slip out of my sight. I was always one of those people that never let a bad situation get me down. I would laugh in the face of uncertainty and use comedy and sarcasm as a distraction. I of course have always been a little bit anxious, I have mentioned that previously, I didn’t just become an anxious mess over night, it’s been niggling away at small parts of me for as long as I can remember, but I knew how to deal with it then. Well, I didn’t give it a great deal of thought, I didn’t treat anxiety like it was anything, because I didn’t know what it was, and I’m beginning to think that was pretty smart. If only I could have kept that.

 I am not one to ‘Toot my own horn’ as the saying goes, I am not very confident or self assured, but because I feel like I am talking about past me rather than present, I feel confident in saying that I used to be a bit funny. I was quick witted and sarcastic, and I didn’t need anyone to tell me that. Somewhere over the years I lost that, I stopped finding enjoyment in life and it’s hard to be funny when you don’t really have an interest in anything. Sometimes I catch glimpses of past me and it makes me both happy and sad at the same time.

I don’t want this blog to be about my past and what experiences I had that lead up to the person I am now, because I don’t necessarily think that anyone or anything should be blamed for my mental health issues, but I guess there were/are contributing factors that have made me the person I am, and some stories can’t be told without a bit of back ground. I did write a couple of long paragraphs about my childhood, but I found myself feeling uncomfortable with what was written so maybe another time. 

Someone mentioned to me recently they are finding it difficult to adjust to the person I have become over the last couple of years, and I’m finding that hard too. I feel a bit like I don’t know myself anymore, I remember the person I used to be and I know the person that I want to be, but I’m having trouble getting there. I’m feeling a little like I’m stuck out at sea, and the more I try to make my way back to shore, the further away the waves push me. It’s a really horrible feeling watching everyone moving on with their lives when you are too anxious to make any plans for the future. I do understand that it’s hard for other people to watch me falling deeper into a miserable black hole with no way of making things better for me, I think sometimes I forget that. I lost me, but my friends and family lost me too. Some people think that with the right support from the right people, I will get back to who I was but I feel like that ship has sailed now. I think anxiety and depression are always going to be a part of me and maybe it’s time to accept that. I’d like to think this doesn’t mean I will never be happy, I’d hope that I will find a new me that I love nearly as much as the old one, who knows, maybe I will even love myself more. Anxiety has taught me a massive amount, empathy being one of the top 5 things, and I think that’s a really great thing.

One day I will find my spark again, and maybe it will shine brighter than it ever has. Let’s just hope that one day is soon.

Lots of love to anyone that needs it, you got through today and that’s such an achievement.