So, I have written a little about how anxiety graced my life with its presence, and a little about treatments I’ve tried, but I feel that maybe I haven’t really got much off my chest. The whole point of this blog being anonymous is so I can tell the world my worries, and not be judged for it, well, not by people I know at least 😉 so here are 5 truths, about me and how I feel today.
1. I am more scared than I ever thought possible. I have suffered with depression since I was around 14-15 years old, so my sky has been a little cloudy for around 8 years now, and then the hurricane that is anxiety came along and wrecked my world when the clouds were just starting to disperse. I am scared that anxiety is always going to be a part of me now, I feel like even if I do get better, it’s always going to be at the back of my head, waiting to present itself again, so I will never be able to live the life that I want. I think most of all I am scared that the people I know and love will give up on me. At the moment, I don’t exactly have much to offer. But hey, I can go to supermarkets now, so if you wanna go food shopping, I’m your girl 😉
2. I made an anonymous blog because I am embarrassed of the person I have become. I don’t really want my friends and family knowing that I nearly shit my pants every time I leave the comfort of my own home. All in all I think around a maximum of 10-15 people know about my anxiety. And even they don’t know the extent of it. The rest would just think I’m ‘Going through a phase.’ I’M NOT 5 YEARS OLD.
3. I buy too many pairs of shoes. Which is quite ironic really considering I don’t actually go anywhere to wear them. But they look pretty, and they make me feel better. Vans and converse incase you were wondering. Not high heels. If I have a day where I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, I buy a new pair of shoes. I should probably stop that. Maybe.
4. Recently I’ve been going through a major ‘THERE’S TOO MUCH STUFF IN OUR HOUSE, WE NEED TO THROW IT ALL AWAY’ phase, but no matter how much I get rid of, or how much I tidy it up, it doesn’t feel enough. I feel like I want to throw nearly everything away and start again from scratch, and only keep things that have a place where they can actually ago. Nicely and organised so the house doesn’t look cluttered. I think this is just because I can’t get my own issues in order, I am taking it out on our possessions instead. Or maybe I’m just over thinking it and we have too much junk. Why couldn’t I go through a phase like this that involved something productive like taking up running?! Damn anxiety, stop fucking with me.
5. There is not one thing that I like/love/enjoy about myself. I’ve been asked the ‘What is your favourite thing about yourself, COME ON there must be one thing?!’ Question a million times, and I normally just end up lying and saying something like my fingers to get people to quit hassling me. But honestly, there is not one thing that I can thing of that I think is pretty damn cool. Fingers will have to do for now. This was meant to be ‘My 10 Truths’ But I got to number 5 and felt like I’d been open enough for one night.
I would love to hear your 5 Truths, happy or sad or somewhere in between. Even 1 would be cool.