Backwards.

This is a post I thought I’d posted months and months ago, but it was in my drafts…
Hey guys.

I haven’t written a blog post for MONTHS, and the longer I left it, the harder it got. So here’s an update for those of you that got used to me moaning on a weekly basis!

Things have been a bit crazy and weird for me over the last 6 months. I wrote my last post in April, I was a little fucked up then. I changed my anti depressants shortly after, and that seemed to improve my quality of life massively. It seems weird saying it like that, but that’s what happened. I started some tablets to help my anxiety as well, so it started actually feeling like there could be some form of future lurking in the distance for me, which I had started to believe wasn’t ever going to be a possibility for me again.

Although I haven’t accomplished any major victories anxiety wise, day to day living has got easier. At my worst point I was an anxious mess from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning to the moment I closed them again at night. I couldn’t step foot outside the front door without a panic attack within 5 minutes and my whole life just become about anxiety. It was all I could think about, all I could talk about. I lived (Or didn’t) and breathed it. Things have really changed since then. I don’t want to fool any of you into thinking I’m cured, so now’s a good time to tell you I haven’t all of a sudden got the mental balls to get in the car and drive more than 5 miles, but I’ve hit my own small milestones, and that’s something for me to be proud of for sure. I’ve still got a very long way to go, but I guess I am heading in the right direction.

I finally saw a specialist for my stomach issues, and had a colonoscopy last week (For any of you that don’t know what it is, they put a camera in your nether regions to take a look at the inside of your bowel etc, it’s all very dramatic) that in itself is a massive achievement, considering at one point I was struggling to even sit in a doctors waiting room for 10 minutes. Anyhow, they didn’t find anything suspicious looking, but they’ve taken some biopsies which I should get the results of within about 6 weeks. If they come back all clear then it looks like I’m a long serving member of the IBS club. How thrilling.

Things were kind of good-ish, and now I feel like I’m slipping back into the darkness to some extent. Everything just feels a bit over whelming, and knowing that I’m basically just going to have to deal with my stomach issues, and as a result, my anxiety issues, makes me feel a bit blue. It doesn’t make me feel particularly excited about what’s in store for me for the rest of my life! Maybe I am just destined for a fucked up life, who knows. But I’m not alone I know that.

This was harder to write than I thought. Maybe my blogging days are over. It never feels like what I’m writing is worth anything anymore, so it takes the enjoyment out of it.

Hope all you amazing humans are all good.

Lots of love. X

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0 Me – 1 Anxiety.

I haven’t posted in a few weeks, for any of you that read my last blog post (those of you who didn’t, you can read it here) I had planned to conquer ASDA to find smelly candles, but I was so wrapped up in the excitement of kicking anxieties arse in a hectic Argos on a bank holiday weekend that I didn’t realise it wasn’t open on bank holiday Monday! Fail. Rest assured, I’ve been several times since, so consider that well and truly conquered. Not much else has happened on the Graded Exposure front, I’ve done a few minor trips to B&Q and super markets, but no new progress to tell of.

The last few weeks have been a bit full of mixed emotions really, my day-to-day anxiety has reduced somewhat (Probably due to the lack of caffeine!) I can’t remember waking up feeling anxious over the past month, which is a good sign I guess. But I haven’t tried as much as I should have to go out. Leaving the house is SO mentally exhausting, so sometimes I just don’t even try. Although Graded Exposure is supposed to reduce my anxiety, it does when I’m out doing something, but it never makes it any easier to actually get the courage to go and do that thing if that makes sense. I still feel anxious before leaving the house, and I talk myself into and out of doing the activity repeatedly, it seems like that may always just be how it is, which makes everything seem a little pointless.

Last week I dropped into my mums after work as she hadn’t been well during the day, and I wasn’t able to get hold of her. I expected to find her sleeping off her illness but I ended up having to call an ambulance because she was pretty much unresponsive when I arrived. My mum has been poorly for a really long time now, she’s only 45 yet she’s had more than her fair share of bad luck on the health front, or any front really, but I’ll save that for another blog post. So yeah, an ambulance has been called a few times over the last year, just not usually by me. The difference this time is that my anxiety stopped me from being able to be there for her in the way that I should have. In the midst of her falling asleep and waking up every two minutes, begging me not to leave her, I had to try to explain to her that I wouldn’t be able to go to the hospital with her. When my mum is in her right mind she understands my anxiety better than anyone, but when she’s sick and delirious, she doesn’t remember. How awful do you think this made me feel?

When the paramedics got her into the ambulance I had to remind her again that I couldn’t come to the hospital but that I had already spoken to relatives and asked them to meet her up there. All I kept thinking was that the paramedics must have thought ‘What could be more important than being with your mum right now’, I wasn’t about to shout my problems from the roof top and explain to them why I couldn’t go. I felt like the worst human being in the world. I should have been there. If anything happened to her, I would never have forgiven myself. This is when anxiety makes me mad. This is when it limits my life more than any other time and I get angry at myself for not getting through it. This is when I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Why couldn’t I just suck it up for one night? Why does my brain have to do this super crazy thing and work against me when I really need it to co-operate. Why can’t I be better now.

I feel so  down on my luck at the moment. I feel like I have put SO much effort into trying to get better, and I can’t really see that I am being rewarded in any way. Yeah, I can go to Sainsbury’s on a good day, but who the hell cares? Not me. Because I am past that now. When is it time for me to be happy? When is it time for something to work out for me? How much can I give before I can’t mentally or physically give any more? I hate to feel sorry for myself, I hope that none of you get the impression that I am. I am just a little bit stuck in-between existing and living at the moment. I have my hospital appointment next month to look into my stomach issues, and at the moment I don’t even know if I will be able to go. Obviously I will try my hardest, but if anxiety wins then that’s just how it is. Keep your fingers crossed for me. A bit of luck sent my way would be greatly appreciated.

I have had a lot of good days over the past few weeks, and it’s hard to remember that when you’re depressed. If I think back to how my crazy brain was only a month or two ago, nearly every day was full of sadness and I lost hope somewhere, where as recently my outlook has become somewhat positive. Just not today friends, not today. Not yesterday either. And maybe not the day before. Still however, happier than I was not too long ago. Or maybe not happy, maybe just ‘fine’. Sorry to write a post of grumbles, but you guys understand more than anyone ever could, because you feel this too.

Lots of love x

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Every great story starts with a trip to Argos, right?

Yo bloggers,

As part of my CBT I’ve been trying out  Graded Exposure, last Monday I went to sainsburys, I started with around 70% anxiety on route, and by the time I’d walked up and down the aisles for a while it dropped to around 50% and then pretty much stayed there for the entire visit. Then on Tuesday I tried again, I started with around 50% anxiety and it dropped to around 20% within the first 5-10 minutes until I got back in the car and went home. I was ok with that, small but significant accomplishment.

Today I went to Argos. I am totally living the dream, I know you are all so jealous of my rock and roll life style but what can I say? It just comes naturally to me. First sainsburys, then Argos, what next? The possibilities are endless. I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me. So I started off with around 60% anxiety on the way, and this stayed steady until I got into argos and was queuing. Out of nowhere my anxiety levels increased to 100% when I was at the point of no return waiting for my item (a hoover incase your interested) I started panicking, it was super busy and all I could hear was too much noise and all I could see was too many people. I was sweating and tingling all over, and I called over my boyfriend to make up a back up plan. This was totally against the rules, my boyfriend is supposed to be a silent partner in my graded exposure experiment, he is my get away driver only, and is not supposed to give me any form of reassurance. I am such a rebel. He didn’t give me any reassurance though, I couldn’t really get my words out properly, I just ordered him (politely, obviously) to go back to where he was previously so I could panic in silence. Then something great happened. I got over it. We both carried on with our separate tasks and I lived to tell the tale. It’s practically a miracle. I conquered the war that is Argos on a bank holiday weekend. Somebody pour this girl a drink.

This is apparently called Prolonged exposure, because like graded exposure isn’t torture enough, I also have to stay in the situation that makes me want to pass out on the floor crying for my mum. So you heard it here first guys, not only did I manage to peel myself off the sofa that I was fairly confident I had become a permanent fixture of, I got my clothes on, and I went to argos even though I just wanted to stay in my own little bubble and laugh at the outside world, and I actually survived.

What’s tomorrow’s adventure I hear you ask? ASDA. Because I’m going to look for some smelly candles. ASDA’S where it’s at guys. I heard all the cool kids go there.

I rewarded myself with a relaxing bath and a Lush Cosmetics bath bomb, and I smell funkin DELICIOUS.

HAPPY EASTER WEEKEND. Try and do something out of your comfort zone, anything counts. Lots of love and luck to you all. I will update you tomorrow if it doesn’t go disgustingly wrong with me ending up an emotional wreck because either A) I can’t find any scented candles that dont smell like Christmas (Why is Christmas the main ingredient in candles?! I love Christmas guys don’t get me wrong, but there’s a time and a place and it’s not April in aisle 12) or B) I have a major panic attack, drop all my shit on the floor, run to the designated get away vehicle and cry all the way home.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

X

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What’s wrong with being happy?

So something I’ve noticed since I’ve been blogging, is that some fellow bloggers, don’t care for positivity. I’m not saying this goes for everyone, I’m sure there are a fair few of you that love an upbeat post, but from my experience so far I’m much more likely to get a few likes on a negative/down post than I am one about positivity.

I kind of understand why, I guess it’s more relatable when I write a post about my troubles and feelings etc, and I myself am probably guilty of skimming past the upbeat posts, because lets face it, who wants to be feeling like all the happy people are shoving their happy perfect lives in your face when you can’t get your own shit together?

However, reality check, it’s time to stop comparing our lives to other peoples. For the following reasons:

  • People only show you the parts of their lives they want you to see
  • Everyone deals with situations differently
  • You can’t always be everyones cup of tea
  • Just because no one clicked the little star button on your post, it doesn’t mean they didn’t love it!
  • There are a thousand things that make you incredible
  • NO ONE IS PERFECT

With regards to people only showing you the parts of their lives they want you to see, I have a perfect example. I’m not sure if any of your read my last blog post (you can read it here https://alittlebitanxious.wordpress.com/2015/03/22/me-him-mental-health-issues/)  but in short it was about the guilt I have surrounding the affects my mental health issues have on my boyfriend. However, what I didn’t mention in that post, is that my boyfriend has bipolar, and I didn’t go into any detail about how that affects me. Therefore you only got the part of my life that I wanted to show you. You probably would have had a completely different picture of my life if I had given you the whole story and not just half of it.

So back to my original point, I once wrote a really positive post about how I was feeling ready to take my anxiety on and show it what I’m made of, and I think one person liked it, maybe two, and this made me feel really disheartened, like people didn’t want to see me happy. Today I’m feeling positive, the sun was shining earlier and I had my first CBT session, but I felt a little apprehensive about writing a blog post about it, and that’s kind of not ok. I see blogging a little bit like a community, with online friends who are supporting you and following your story through good days and bad days, so I encourage you to reach out to someone whether they write a negative post or a positive one, because they might really need your encouragement.

When I am feeling positive, it is usually pretty short lived. I get a wave of happiness and then come crashing back down to earth, sometimes in a matter of hours, sometimes in a day or two. I know that the happiness and positive feelings that come with a smile slapped across your face is something I am aiming to feel more permanently, and I can assure you that with a little gentle encouragement, there is much more of a chance of that happiness lasting that tiny bit longer. I truly believe that a positive outlook can change your life, and that is something I am trying to learn. So please guys, when someone writes a blog post about being raring to go, feeling ready to say a massive screw you to anxiety/depression/a bad day, try and make a concious effort to give them a little encouragement, I know I plan to.

You have the power to change someones mood for the good, even if just for a moment, so for the love of mankind take that power and run with it.

X
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Me, Him & Mental Health Issues.

  • When I started suffering severely with anxiety and stomach issues, me and my boyfriend had only been together for about 6 months from what I remember. We didn’t really get to enjoy the best parts of our relationship, and I regret that. Like all or most couples, we’ve had some major ups and downs, but he has tried his hardest to be supportive. For what feels like the majority of our relationship, he has had to deal with the anxious side of me, and I kind of feel this isn’t fair on either of us.

I haven’t gone into massive amounts of detail about my anxiety on my blog, because it’s quite difficult to explain exactly how I feel, without it sounding silly, but basically I have a panic attack whenever I try to go anywhere that isn’t work, which then leads to some physical issues, and reinforces the fear. People assume I have IBS, but this isn’t necessarily the case, the bowel issues came before the anxiety. Anyway, sometimes I get the courage to try to do something, to get out of the house and try to enjoy a small activity with my boyfriend (Normally only when he says ‘Right, we’re doing this’ instead of giving me a choice, but it is of course up to me, he doesn’t force me.) Today was one of those days, we went to the garden centre (Dream big), and two things happened; 1) I didn’t have a panic attack. 2) We had to cut the trip short because I’ve had diarrhea for the past few days and got the stomach cramping warning signs of needing to get home ASAP. When I said I needed to leave, I felt the mood shift. I can’t explain it, but it makes me feel like I have let him down, and the look in his eyes makes my heart break a little every time it happens.

Sometimes I question whether I should try to work through my issues alone. I know he isn’t happy, he’s told me before, but I asked for a little more time and nothing has changed much since then. We do get on really well, we hardly ever argue, I genuinely can’t remember the last time we did. However, he is very much a ‘get out there and live life’ type of person, and I am denying him of that at the moment. This isn’t what he signed up for, and I have to live with the guilt from that. At least one of us should be able to get out there and see what the world has to offer, and that one of us isn’t me. I don’t really know what is best, I know without him I would be miserable, but at the same time I can’t be selfish and just think of my own happiness. I just know that I will always regret it. When I am better I will know what could have been, and that’s so shitty.

When we first had the ‘What are we doing, we’re really unhappy’ chat, that was when we first realised I had some major issues that I needed to work through, and since then I have tried. I’ve spent my savings on hypnotherapy, I’ve brought books on meditation, depression, anxiety, I’ve gone on antidepressants, I’ve tried medication for my stomach, I’ve tried going gluten-free, I’ve cut out caffeine, I’ve been referred to the hospital for my stomach issues and I’ve been accepted for CBT for my anxiety. But it’s all been very long-winded and I’m still not really in a better position than I was 6 months ago.

I kind of just feel a bit lost at the moment. everyone’s getting engaged, married or having babies, and I’m just stuck somewhere in-between, not really being able to move forward and dragging him down with me. Every day I lose a little bit more hope, and I am just praying for a miracle. I kind of just feel like somethings gotta give surely. I’ve been constantly battling to be happy for so long that I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be truly happy and that’s a really horrible way to live every day.

He is my rock, the other half of me. He keeps me grounded in this frantic world. He gets me snuggled up on the sofa when I’ve had a bad day and he takes care of everything. He is there when nobody else is. He is the light of my life, the best, kindest, most intelligent and the most truly wonderful person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Tell me how I’m supposed to willingly walk away from that.

X

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Being scared of living, dying and everything inbetween.

I’m home alone tonight. I had some company earlier but they’ve headed home now, so I am alone with my thoughts and a big empty house. Anxiety is off the scale, and this inspired me to note down some of my biggest fears, I don’t know if they are rational, or irrational, I guess it would be hard for anyone else to know because you kind of can’t know how much they affect me, but I think the majority if not all of these fears give me a panic attack if I think about them enough. I’m basically just trying to keep myself distracted until my boyfriend arrives home, so you lucky guys get to receive a list of my fears. I know I know, you’ve completely been DYING to know so I’ll put you out of your misery.

  • Being home alone
  • Being burgled (Whilst in the house)
  • Getting carbon monoxide poisoning (Mainly whilst in the bath, who puts a darn boiler in a bathroom?!)
  • Forgetting to lock the door (Sometimes I get half way to work and turn back to check)
  • Leaving my keys in the door
  • Needing to go to the toilet in public
  • Dying
  • People I love dying (I feel like if I think about it, it will happen, and then it will be my fault)
  • Getting some bizarre disease (I convinced myself I had rabies for about 2 weeks after retrieving something out of the loft, because I’d seen it on Holby City the week before!)
  • Car accidents (And subsequently car journeys, but also because of the no toilet situation)
  • Hospitals
  • Shopping Centres/Super Markets (Incase there’s any terrorist activity whilst I’m there)
  • Cinemas (Same reason as above)
  • The Sea
  • Walking in the dark alone
  • Eating from restaurants and takeaways (This has got a bit better recently but is still on a case by case basis and just because I order it, doesn’t mean I enjoy it)
  • Dogs
  • Rats
  • Mice
  • Gerbils
  • Hamsters
  • Rabbits
  • Being in social situations with people I don’t know
  • Change (Good or bad)
  • Violence
  • Stress
  • Heights

There’s probably more but I am getting a bit tired now so my brain is turning to mush. Listing out the things that scare me makes me feel batshit crazy. I think this is why I struggle so much with being happy, because there’s not much that doesn’t bring me anxiety. Bleurgh. Am I crazy? Maybe. But I heard all the best people are. I tell you one thing I do know, being anxious makes me tired.

X

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When life gives you lemons… Make cakes.

From the moment I opened my eyes this morning, I knew it was going to be one of those crap days that aren’t worth getting out of bed for.. I woke up feeling extremely anxious, and that’s never a good start to a day. Last night I was looking for success stories about people in similar situations to me, and whilst I can find a fair amount of success stories surrounding anxiety, I can’t seem to find any regarding my specific fear, but I can find tons of stories by people in near enough the exact same situation as me, that have had these issues for 10,20,30 odd years, and don’t seem anywhere near being on the road to recovery. This makes me really sad, and it’s kind of made me lose a bit of faith/hope in getting better, so I’m kind of back to feeling like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel which sucks, because that usually leads to weeks/months of low periods.

However, as I’ve been on annual leave the last 2 days, I decided than instead of laying on the sofa eating copious amounts of food and feeling sorry for myself, I would put my negative energy into something instead. So I cleaned out the oven (Most.Boring.Job.Ever), cleaned the windows (Took hours, but once I’d realised my judgement error, I was already in too deep), cleaned the kitchen, put a clothes wash on (Twice, because once it was done I tried to use the drying option on the machine and did it wrong so it ended up filling with water!) The cooker didn’t come up as clean as the product suggested it would. I accidentally stained our wooden stained/varnished worktop with some dettol and the only way to fix it is to sand the worktop down and re-stain and varnish which takes a ridiculous amount of work and drying time which makes the kitchen basically out of action for a week.

So yeah… Me ‘Trying to be positive and productive with my day instead of feeling sorry for myself’ didn’t actually work out and everything I touched turned to shit! BUT, I did not let this horrid day defeat me.. I had a moan to my boyfriend when he got in from work about how crap my day had been and how angry I was that I had spent so much time and effort on trying to get everything in order, yet none of it worked out, talking to him made me less angry because he tried to make the effort to say how well I had done and how clean the house was etc, and suggested he helps me with the oven tomorrow, and he will repair the worktop in the Summer when it gets warmer. As much as I felt less angry, I was still really disappointed in my day and felt a bit useless, but then I made some cakes with no assistance from the other half (I am the worst cook!) and it cheered me up.

So in summary, today was really super crap, but I am really quite proud of myself, for not letting an anxious start and testing day defeat me, and for making the effort to do something (Or several things) productive rather than lay around thinking about how crap everything is and how I am never going to get better and all those horrible thoughts that come with anxiety and depression. I’m going to try to do this again when I’m feeling low. Maybe I will end up a pro baker! Who knows 😉

Happy Friday ladies and gents, hope you have a good weekend. Below is a picture of my cakes. I didn’t get the consistency/texture of the butter icing correct, but I’ll forgive myself considering it was my first attempt at solo baking.

X

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Is it time for bed yet?

So I haven’t written a blog post in a few days. I’m going through a low phase at the moment, I am absolutely shattered both physically and mentally, and it’s hard to want to write when I feel this way. I warn you in advance, when I’m like this my brain is a bit of a jumbled mess so this is just a blog post of me feeling sorry for myself and seeking a bit of guidance really. Fun, huh?

I’ve been thinking a lot about my future over the past few days and to be honest I can’t really see one at the moment. I am so scared that this is my life, and this is how it is. I am 22 years old, I shouldn’t be suffering from mental health issues, no one should. I feel like I had only just started to live my life before my anxiety got severe, so what did I do to deserve this? No one deserves this. What if this is how it’s always going to be? What if I never get to live a fulfilling life? What if CBT doesn’t work? What then? What if I wake up one morning and can’t go to work anymore?

Realistically I know it’s not helpful thinking these things, but if I don’t voice my concerns then I think I may just go to bed and stay there until this year is over. I just feel completely exhausted at the moment. I feel like for the last two years, my whole life has revolved around anxiety and what I can and can’t do and what I should and shouldn’t think and I am just TIRED of it. I just want to wake up and say ‘Hey, let’s go for lunch!’ and enjoy it. But instead I wake up and know that it’s another weekend spent watching TV whilst everyone else is out living a life I’m dreaming of because I am too scared. Yes, I know that the chances of everything going wrong if I went out are slim, but anxiety is part of me now. Panic attacks are part of me. Anxiety wins time and time again.

Because I’ve been low I’ve done the old classic ignore everyone until they go away move. Not helpful. But I just don’t have the energy to deal with anyone else’s chit-chat and drama at the moment. I know that is completely selfish because people need me too. I’m not the only person having a rough time. But at the same time I kind of feel like if my brain has to register any more feelings or situations then I might just explode. Plus, I just don’t care today. Sorry, I know that is horrible, but my brain isn’t interested. I’M TOO TIRED.

I just wish I could get my shit together, I’m an adult for crying out loud. I make plans to exercise, to get up earlier and make breakfast, to eat my 5 a day, to drink the right amount of water. Do I do it? No. Not exactly helping myself (Although I have been gluten and caffeine free for the last couple of weeks, so GO ME! I miss Gluten and caffeine.) I feel like I just need someone to get my shit together for me. But that’s wrong. I am quite capable. I just don’t have the energy. I kind of feel like what’s the point? I hate it when I am in this mood. I’ve been like this all week. I think it’s because Valentines Day is coming up. I’m like this around any time a celebration is due, because it makes me feel guilty that I am STILL suffering from anxiety, and that I can’t celebrate in the way that I should be able to. I think it’s getting scarier at the moment because every time a celebration happens I think back to what I was doing at the same time last year, and it’s the same thing.

I know I have got better than I was. Hypnotherapy helped me tons. But since the people doing my CBT told me I had to stop any kind of treatment for 2 months before they could help me, I think I kind of gave up. I’ve not been doing anything other than go to work for the last 6 weeks, and I feel like I’ve lost a lot of progress. I am kind of feeling a bit like I’m back where I was at the beginning again. I am angry at myself, I shouldn’t have let this happen.

Anyway, that’s enough of me bitching for one night. Thanks for listening/reading, as always. Knowing there are people across the world that feel the same as I do sometimes, makes me feel better in itself.

Happy Friday ladies and gents, hope you have a fantastic weekend, you deserve it!

Wishing you all of the luck in the world (Maybe save a bit for me!)

X

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Yes I know I am being irrational, please stop telling me.

I understand that it is difficult for people to understand anxiety, and I really do believe no-one could every truly understand how life changing and horrendous it is, unless they had experienced it their self. However, whilst I understand this, it doesn’t stop me being angry when people express their opinion on how I should behave/life my life with anxiety. I know some people are trying to do/say what they think are in my best interests, but I wish I could tell them that it REALLY doesn’t help. If I could tell these people how I feel it would go something like this:

Dear Family/Friends,

I know you are trying to help me, but please stop trying to do this in unhelpful ways. I did not ask to be like this, and nor do I enjoy it.

When you try to chat and I am having a low day, I am not being ‘Moody’ by giving short answers, I am depressed. I have no answers. My mind will not produce a sentence, and I apologise for that, please just remember that I love you and that you are my favourite people to talk to.

When you ask me to join you and others in a social activity out of my comfort zone and I politely decline, please do not make me feel guilty for this, it’s hard for us all. I know you think I need to get out of the house and live my life again, but this is nearly impossible for me, please just accept that for now and in return I will promise you that things won’t always be this way.

When I tell you that I don’t know if I can go through with something that has been planned like going out to an appointment for example, please do not get angry and tell me that I have to and how I am not helping myself. Why not just try to re-assure me, and tell me that I just need to try? Forcing me is only going to make me feel more anxious. I know you are scared for me and are just trying to make me better, but hey, I’m scared and trying too.

When you ask me to travel miles to come and see you and I say ‘I can’t at the moment, maybe soon’, please do not treat me like my anxiety is stupid and that I can control it. I assure you, there is nothing that I would love more than freedom right now, I would absolutely love to come and visit you in your new place, but that is just not possible for me right now, and I am sorry. Rest assured though, it’s on my list of things to do when I am better, please just take comfort in that for now, I know it’s not much, but it will have to be enough.

But most of all, when I am having one of my extremely low days/weeks/months and I start questioning whether this world is the right place for me, please don’t be angry at me for telling you that I don’t know if I want to be around, you need to understand that when I am going through this phase, I have been thinking dark and horrible thoughts for longer than you know, and it has taken me every little ounce of courage I have to tell you that. Please refrain from telling me I am ‘Just being silly’, because to me I am living in a world with mostly grey skies and some days I just don’t know if I have the strength to continue. I can almost guarantee that in my darkest hours when I really just want to sleep/hide/crawl in a hole until all the bad goes away, I wouldn’t do anything that I may regret. Do you want to know why? Because I’m telling you instead. I am telling you that I am scared of the future and I am scared of myself. I am begging you to hug it all better. I am letting you in and I am asking for your help, like you always ask me to. I am relying on you to remind me of the good days and to re-assure me that this is temporary. Please, just understand that if nothing else.

So please, stop telling me that my fears are irrational, I know they are. My brain and my heart argue every day, and that’s tiring enough without having to argue with you too. Please do not get me wrong, I know you care and I know that from the bottom of your hearts you wish that you could help, but please listen to me when I say all I need you to do is be there, waiting to listen, waiting to hug and waiting to re-assure me. All I need is your love and compassion, I’ll do the rest.

You are the lights of my life, you brighten up my sky and you push all the clouds away. When life gives me lemons, you drink lemonade with me and you lighten up my heart every single day. I will be forever grateful for that.

X

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My 5 Truths.

So, I have written a little about how anxiety graced my life with its presence, and a little about treatments I’ve tried, but I feel that maybe I haven’t really got much off my chest. The whole point of this blog being anonymous is so I can tell the world my worries, and not be judged for it, well, not by people I know at least 😉 so here are 5 truths, about me and how I feel today.

1. I am more scared than I ever thought possible. I have suffered with depression since I was around 14-15 years old, so my sky has been a little cloudy for around 8 years now, and then the hurricane that is anxiety came along and wrecked my world when the clouds were just starting to disperse. I am scared that anxiety is always going to be a part of me now, I feel like even if I do get better, it’s always going to be at the back of my head, waiting to present itself again, so I will never be able to live the life that I want. I think most of all I am scared that the people I know and love will give up on me. At the moment, I don’t exactly have much to offer. But hey, I can go to supermarkets now, so if you wanna go food shopping, I’m your girl 😉

2. I made an anonymous blog because I am embarrassed of the person I have become. I don’t really want my friends and family knowing that I nearly shit my pants every time I leave the comfort of my own home. All in all I think around a maximum of 10-15 people know about my anxiety. And even they don’t know the extent of it. The rest would just think I’m ‘Going through a phase.’ I’M NOT 5 YEARS OLD.

3. I buy too many pairs of shoes. Which is quite ironic really considering I don’t actually go anywhere to wear them. But they look pretty, and they make me feel better. Vans and converse incase you were wondering. Not high heels. If I have a day where I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, I buy a new pair of shoes. I should probably stop that. Maybe.

4. Recently I’ve been going through a major ‘THERE’S TOO MUCH STUFF IN OUR HOUSE, WE NEED TO THROW IT ALL AWAY’ phase, but no matter how much I get rid of, or how much I tidy it up, it doesn’t feel enough. I feel like I want to throw nearly everything away and start again from scratch, and only keep things that have a place where they can actually ago. Nicely and organised so the house doesn’t look cluttered. I think this is just because I can’t get my own issues in order, I am taking it out on our possessions instead. Or maybe I’m just over thinking it and we have too much junk. Why couldn’t I go through a phase like this that involved something productive like taking up running?! Damn anxiety, stop fucking with me.

5. There is not one thing that I like/love/enjoy about myself. I’ve been asked the ‘What is your favourite thing about yourself, COME ON there must be one thing?!’ Question a million times, and I normally just end up lying and saying something like my fingers to get people to quit hassling me. But honestly, there is not one thing that I can thing of that I think is pretty damn cool. Fingers will have to do for now. This was meant to be ‘My 10 Truths’ But I got to number 5 and felt like I’d been open enough for one night.

I would love to hear your 5 Truths, happy or sad or somewhere in between. Even 1 would be cool.

X

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