When I was in my early teens, I was a completely different person to who I am now. I know as we grow older we all lose parts of us, I guess that’s what growing up is about, maturity, but there are parts of me I wish I hadn’t let slip out of my sight. I was always one of those people that never let a bad situation get me down. I would laugh in the face of uncertainty and use comedy and sarcasm as a distraction. I of course have always been a little bit anxious, I have mentioned that previously, I didn’t just become an anxious mess over night, it’s been niggling away at small parts of me for as long as I can remember, but I knew how to deal with it then. Well, I didn’t give it a great deal of thought, I didn’t treat anxiety like it was anything, because I didn’t know what it was, and I’m beginning to think that was pretty smart. If only I could have kept that.
I am not one to ‘Toot my own horn’ as the saying goes, I am not very confident or self assured, but because I feel like I am talking about past me rather than present, I feel confident in saying that I used to be a bit funny. I was quick witted and sarcastic, and I didn’t need anyone to tell me that. Somewhere over the years I lost that, I stopped finding enjoyment in life and it’s hard to be funny when you don’t really have an interest in anything. Sometimes I catch glimpses of past me and it makes me both happy and sad at the same time.
I don’t want this blog to be about my past and what experiences I had that lead up to the person I am now, because I don’t necessarily think that anyone or anything should be blamed for my mental health issues, but I guess there were/are contributing factors that have made me the person I am, and some stories can’t be told without a bit of back ground. I did write a couple of long paragraphs about my childhood, but I found myself feeling uncomfortable with what was written so maybe another time.
Someone mentioned to me recently they are finding it difficult to adjust to the person I have become over the last couple of years, and I’m finding that hard too. I feel a bit like I don’t know myself anymore, I remember the person I used to be and I know the person that I want to be, but I’m having trouble getting there. I’m feeling a little like I’m stuck out at sea, and the more I try to make my way back to shore, the further away the waves push me. It’s a really horrible feeling watching everyone moving on with their lives when you are too anxious to make any plans for the future. I do understand that it’s hard for other people to watch me falling deeper into a miserable black hole with no way of making things better for me, I think sometimes I forget that. I lost me, but my friends and family lost me too. Some people think that with the right support from the right people, I will get back to who I was but I feel like that ship has sailed now. I think anxiety and depression are always going to be a part of me and maybe it’s time to accept that. I’d like to think this doesn’t mean I will never be happy, I’d hope that I will find a new me that I love nearly as much as the old one, who knows, maybe I will even love myself more. Anxiety has taught me a massive amount, empathy being one of the top 5 things, and I think that’s a really great thing.
One day I will find my spark again, and maybe it will shine brighter than it ever has. Let’s just hope that one day is soon.
Lots of love to anyone that needs it, you got through today and that’s such an achievement.