Be your own safety. 

If you look for safety within others, you will always feel an overwhelming sense of loss and instability when your situation or the people you are surrounded by changes.

It’s remarkable how much it will benefit you to create a home within yourself. Do what you can to learn how to not allow a situation or a person to make you feel unsettled, you have everything within your mind and your heart to make yourself always feel at home.

Be your own safety.

❤️

Backwards.

This is a post I thought I’d posted months and months ago, but it was in my drafts…
Hey guys.

I haven’t written a blog post for MONTHS, and the longer I left it, the harder it got. So here’s an update for those of you that got used to me moaning on a weekly basis!

Things have been a bit crazy and weird for me over the last 6 months. I wrote my last post in April, I was a little fucked up then. I changed my anti depressants shortly after, and that seemed to improve my quality of life massively. It seems weird saying it like that, but that’s what happened. I started some tablets to help my anxiety as well, so it started actually feeling like there could be some form of future lurking in the distance for me, which I had started to believe wasn’t ever going to be a possibility for me again.

Although I haven’t accomplished any major victories anxiety wise, day to day living has got easier. At my worst point I was an anxious mess from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning to the moment I closed them again at night. I couldn’t step foot outside the front door without a panic attack within 5 minutes and my whole life just become about anxiety. It was all I could think about, all I could talk about. I lived (Or didn’t) and breathed it. Things have really changed since then. I don’t want to fool any of you into thinking I’m cured, so now’s a good time to tell you I haven’t all of a sudden got the mental balls to get in the car and drive more than 5 miles, but I’ve hit my own small milestones, and that’s something for me to be proud of for sure. I’ve still got a very long way to go, but I guess I am heading in the right direction.

I finally saw a specialist for my stomach issues, and had a colonoscopy last week (For any of you that don’t know what it is, they put a camera in your nether regions to take a look at the inside of your bowel etc, it’s all very dramatic) that in itself is a massive achievement, considering at one point I was struggling to even sit in a doctors waiting room for 10 minutes. Anyhow, they didn’t find anything suspicious looking, but they’ve taken some biopsies which I should get the results of within about 6 weeks. If they come back all clear then it looks like I’m a long serving member of the IBS club. How thrilling.

Things were kind of good-ish, and now I feel like I’m slipping back into the darkness to some extent. Everything just feels a bit over whelming, and knowing that I’m basically just going to have to deal with my stomach issues, and as a result, my anxiety issues, makes me feel a bit blue. It doesn’t make me feel particularly excited about what’s in store for me for the rest of my life! Maybe I am just destined for a fucked up life, who knows. But I’m not alone I know that.

This was harder to write than I thought. Maybe my blogging days are over. It never feels like what I’m writing is worth anything anymore, so it takes the enjoyment out of it.

Hope all you amazing humans are all good.

Lots of love. X

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The lost pieces of me.

When I was in my early teens, I was a completely different person to who I am now. I know as we grow older we all lose parts of us, I guess that’s what growing up is about, maturity, but there are parts of me I wish I hadn’t let slip out of my sight. I was always one of those people that never let a bad situation get me down. I would laugh in the face of uncertainty and use comedy and sarcasm as a distraction. I of course have always been a little bit anxious, I have mentioned that previously, I didn’t just become an anxious mess over night, it’s been niggling away at small parts of me for as long as I can remember, but I knew how to deal with it then. Well, I didn’t give it a great deal of thought, I didn’t treat anxiety like it was anything, because I didn’t know what it was, and I’m beginning to think that was pretty smart. If only I could have kept that.

 I am not one to ‘Toot my own horn’ as the saying goes, I am not very confident or self assured, but because I feel like I am talking about past me rather than present, I feel confident in saying that I used to be a bit funny. I was quick witted and sarcastic, and I didn’t need anyone to tell me that. Somewhere over the years I lost that, I stopped finding enjoyment in life and it’s hard to be funny when you don’t really have an interest in anything. Sometimes I catch glimpses of past me and it makes me both happy and sad at the same time.

I don’t want this blog to be about my past and what experiences I had that lead up to the person I am now, because I don’t necessarily think that anyone or anything should be blamed for my mental health issues, but I guess there were/are contributing factors that have made me the person I am, and some stories can’t be told without a bit of back ground. I did write a couple of long paragraphs about my childhood, but I found myself feeling uncomfortable with what was written so maybe another time. 

Someone mentioned to me recently they are finding it difficult to adjust to the person I have become over the last couple of years, and I’m finding that hard too. I feel a bit like I don’t know myself anymore, I remember the person I used to be and I know the person that I want to be, but I’m having trouble getting there. I’m feeling a little like I’m stuck out at sea, and the more I try to make my way back to shore, the further away the waves push me. It’s a really horrible feeling watching everyone moving on with their lives when you are too anxious to make any plans for the future. I do understand that it’s hard for other people to watch me falling deeper into a miserable black hole with no way of making things better for me, I think sometimes I forget that. I lost me, but my friends and family lost me too. Some people think that with the right support from the right people, I will get back to who I was but I feel like that ship has sailed now. I think anxiety and depression are always going to be a part of me and maybe it’s time to accept that. I’d like to think this doesn’t mean I will never be happy, I’d hope that I will find a new me that I love nearly as much as the old one, who knows, maybe I will even love myself more. Anxiety has taught me a massive amount, empathy being one of the top 5 things, and I think that’s a really great thing.

One day I will find my spark again, and maybe it will shine brighter than it ever has. Let’s just hope that one day is soon.

Lots of love to anyone that needs it, you got through today and that’s such an achievement. 

X

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What’s wrong with being happy?

So something I’ve noticed since I’ve been blogging, is that some fellow bloggers, don’t care for positivity. I’m not saying this goes for everyone, I’m sure there are a fair few of you that love an upbeat post, but from my experience so far I’m much more likely to get a few likes on a negative/down post than I am one about positivity.

I kind of understand why, I guess it’s more relatable when I write a post about my troubles and feelings etc, and I myself am probably guilty of skimming past the upbeat posts, because lets face it, who wants to be feeling like all the happy people are shoving their happy perfect lives in your face when you can’t get your own shit together?

However, reality check, it’s time to stop comparing our lives to other peoples. For the following reasons:

  • People only show you the parts of their lives they want you to see
  • Everyone deals with situations differently
  • You can’t always be everyones cup of tea
  • Just because no one clicked the little star button on your post, it doesn’t mean they didn’t love it!
  • There are a thousand things that make you incredible
  • NO ONE IS PERFECT

With regards to people only showing you the parts of their lives they want you to see, I have a perfect example. I’m not sure if any of your read my last blog post (you can read it here https://alittlebitanxious.wordpress.com/2015/03/22/me-him-mental-health-issues/)  but in short it was about the guilt I have surrounding the affects my mental health issues have on my boyfriend. However, what I didn’t mention in that post, is that my boyfriend has bipolar, and I didn’t go into any detail about how that affects me. Therefore you only got the part of my life that I wanted to show you. You probably would have had a completely different picture of my life if I had given you the whole story and not just half of it.

So back to my original point, I once wrote a really positive post about how I was feeling ready to take my anxiety on and show it what I’m made of, and I think one person liked it, maybe two, and this made me feel really disheartened, like people didn’t want to see me happy. Today I’m feeling positive, the sun was shining earlier and I had my first CBT session, but I felt a little apprehensive about writing a blog post about it, and that’s kind of not ok. I see blogging a little bit like a community, with online friends who are supporting you and following your story through good days and bad days, so I encourage you to reach out to someone whether they write a negative post or a positive one, because they might really need your encouragement.

When I am feeling positive, it is usually pretty short lived. I get a wave of happiness and then come crashing back down to earth, sometimes in a matter of hours, sometimes in a day or two. I know that the happiness and positive feelings that come with a smile slapped across your face is something I am aiming to feel more permanently, and I can assure you that with a little gentle encouragement, there is much more of a chance of that happiness lasting that tiny bit longer. I truly believe that a positive outlook can change your life, and that is something I am trying to learn. So please guys, when someone writes a blog post about being raring to go, feeling ready to say a massive screw you to anxiety/depression/a bad day, try and make a concious effort to give them a little encouragement, I know I plan to.

You have the power to change someones mood for the good, even if just for a moment, so for the love of mankind take that power and run with it.

X
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Being scared of living, dying and everything inbetween.

I’m home alone tonight. I had some company earlier but they’ve headed home now, so I am alone with my thoughts and a big empty house. Anxiety is off the scale, and this inspired me to note down some of my biggest fears, I don’t know if they are rational, or irrational, I guess it would be hard for anyone else to know because you kind of can’t know how much they affect me, but I think the majority if not all of these fears give me a panic attack if I think about them enough. I’m basically just trying to keep myself distracted until my boyfriend arrives home, so you lucky guys get to receive a list of my fears. I know I know, you’ve completely been DYING to know so I’ll put you out of your misery.

  • Being home alone
  • Being burgled (Whilst in the house)
  • Getting carbon monoxide poisoning (Mainly whilst in the bath, who puts a darn boiler in a bathroom?!)
  • Forgetting to lock the door (Sometimes I get half way to work and turn back to check)
  • Leaving my keys in the door
  • Needing to go to the toilet in public
  • Dying
  • People I love dying (I feel like if I think about it, it will happen, and then it will be my fault)
  • Getting some bizarre disease (I convinced myself I had rabies for about 2 weeks after retrieving something out of the loft, because I’d seen it on Holby City the week before!)
  • Car accidents (And subsequently car journeys, but also because of the no toilet situation)
  • Hospitals
  • Shopping Centres/Super Markets (Incase there’s any terrorist activity whilst I’m there)
  • Cinemas (Same reason as above)
  • The Sea
  • Walking in the dark alone
  • Eating from restaurants and takeaways (This has got a bit better recently but is still on a case by case basis and just because I order it, doesn’t mean I enjoy it)
  • Dogs
  • Rats
  • Mice
  • Gerbils
  • Hamsters
  • Rabbits
  • Being in social situations with people I don’t know
  • Change (Good or bad)
  • Violence
  • Stress
  • Heights

There’s probably more but I am getting a bit tired now so my brain is turning to mush. Listing out the things that scare me makes me feel batshit crazy. I think this is why I struggle so much with being happy, because there’s not much that doesn’t bring me anxiety. Bleurgh. Am I crazy? Maybe. But I heard all the best people are. I tell you one thing I do know, being anxious makes me tired.

X

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When life gives you lemons… Make cakes.

From the moment I opened my eyes this morning, I knew it was going to be one of those crap days that aren’t worth getting out of bed for.. I woke up feeling extremely anxious, and that’s never a good start to a day. Last night I was looking for success stories about people in similar situations to me, and whilst I can find a fair amount of success stories surrounding anxiety, I can’t seem to find any regarding my specific fear, but I can find tons of stories by people in near enough the exact same situation as me, that have had these issues for 10,20,30 odd years, and don’t seem anywhere near being on the road to recovery. This makes me really sad, and it’s kind of made me lose a bit of faith/hope in getting better, so I’m kind of back to feeling like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel which sucks, because that usually leads to weeks/months of low periods.

However, as I’ve been on annual leave the last 2 days, I decided than instead of laying on the sofa eating copious amounts of food and feeling sorry for myself, I would put my negative energy into something instead. So I cleaned out the oven (Most.Boring.Job.Ever), cleaned the windows (Took hours, but once I’d realised my judgement error, I was already in too deep), cleaned the kitchen, put a clothes wash on (Twice, because once it was done I tried to use the drying option on the machine and did it wrong so it ended up filling with water!) The cooker didn’t come up as clean as the product suggested it would. I accidentally stained our wooden stained/varnished worktop with some dettol and the only way to fix it is to sand the worktop down and re-stain and varnish which takes a ridiculous amount of work and drying time which makes the kitchen basically out of action for a week.

So yeah… Me ‘Trying to be positive and productive with my day instead of feeling sorry for myself’ didn’t actually work out and everything I touched turned to shit! BUT, I did not let this horrid day defeat me.. I had a moan to my boyfriend when he got in from work about how crap my day had been and how angry I was that I had spent so much time and effort on trying to get everything in order, yet none of it worked out, talking to him made me less angry because he tried to make the effort to say how well I had done and how clean the house was etc, and suggested he helps me with the oven tomorrow, and he will repair the worktop in the Summer when it gets warmer. As much as I felt less angry, I was still really disappointed in my day and felt a bit useless, but then I made some cakes with no assistance from the other half (I am the worst cook!) and it cheered me up.

So in summary, today was really super crap, but I am really quite proud of myself, for not letting an anxious start and testing day defeat me, and for making the effort to do something (Or several things) productive rather than lay around thinking about how crap everything is and how I am never going to get better and all those horrible thoughts that come with anxiety and depression. I’m going to try to do this again when I’m feeling low. Maybe I will end up a pro baker! Who knows 😉

Happy Friday ladies and gents, hope you have a good weekend. Below is a picture of my cakes. I didn’t get the consistency/texture of the butter icing correct, but I’ll forgive myself considering it was my first attempt at solo baking.

X

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Waves of positivity

So today I am feeling really positive. The sun was shining and I feel like I CAN DO THIS. Anxiety has stolen a large chunk of me and my life, and I’m not willing to let it take anymore. I am not under any illusions that just because I am feeling positive suddenly all my worries will dissappear but I am DETERMINED to get through this. It’s going to be really hard and horrible and stressful, but no pain no gain right?

I really hate change, good or bad, so not only am I anxious about the situation I am in and anxious about confronting my fears, I am also anxious about being better, isn’t that odd? I had a really low week last week, a few months ago I would have sunk right into the lowness and that would have been me for a few months, depressed, crying and negative. But I find with every low point now it just makes me stronger and that little bit more determined.

Life is tough it is really really tough, but THIS is temporary, anxiety is temporary. This isn’t my life, this is just a part of it and it’s a part that I CAN overcome, and even though some days I feel like I can’t get past this, I know one day later on I will be able to look back and realise that I was strong enough to. I think it will remind me that I CAN overcome difficult situations. Anxiety and stress and worry do not define me. I hope in the long run it will just make me a better person.

Anxiety has put my life into perspective a little bit. All of the trivial things that I spent all my time annoyed or worried about don’t seem so important anymore. I didn’t really love the life I had or live the life I wanted before anxiety became a part of my world in the way it did, and that has made me realise that I need to get better and value life more than I have. There are so many opportunities out there in this big wide world, and I am entitled to them just the same as anyone else is. It’s time for me to focus on getting better, not focus on all of the things that have gone wrong, instead focus on the things that go right.

I have a lot of things to be thankful for.

I have a supportive and understanding boyfriend

I have some amazing friends and family.

I have a good job that I have worked hard for.

I have a house that I’ve made home.

I have learnt a lot of life’s really hard lessons, and in return I have gained wisdom.

I am (relatively) healthy.

I am ALIVE.

And I have really good eyebrows. Bonus.

Remember, it’s a bad day not a bad life.

Time to get better and grab life by the balls.

Hope you will all be here with me cheering me on.

X
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Is it time for bed yet?

So I haven’t written a blog post in a few days. I’m going through a low phase at the moment, I am absolutely shattered both physically and mentally, and it’s hard to want to write when I feel this way. I warn you in advance, when I’m like this my brain is a bit of a jumbled mess so this is just a blog post of me feeling sorry for myself and seeking a bit of guidance really. Fun, huh?

I’ve been thinking a lot about my future over the past few days and to be honest I can’t really see one at the moment. I am so scared that this is my life, and this is how it is. I am 22 years old, I shouldn’t be suffering from mental health issues, no one should. I feel like I had only just started to live my life before my anxiety got severe, so what did I do to deserve this? No one deserves this. What if this is how it’s always going to be? What if I never get to live a fulfilling life? What if CBT doesn’t work? What then? What if I wake up one morning and can’t go to work anymore?

Realistically I know it’s not helpful thinking these things, but if I don’t voice my concerns then I think I may just go to bed and stay there until this year is over. I just feel completely exhausted at the moment. I feel like for the last two years, my whole life has revolved around anxiety and what I can and can’t do and what I should and shouldn’t think and I am just TIRED of it. I just want to wake up and say ‘Hey, let’s go for lunch!’ and enjoy it. But instead I wake up and know that it’s another weekend spent watching TV whilst everyone else is out living a life I’m dreaming of because I am too scared. Yes, I know that the chances of everything going wrong if I went out are slim, but anxiety is part of me now. Panic attacks are part of me. Anxiety wins time and time again.

Because I’ve been low I’ve done the old classic ignore everyone until they go away move. Not helpful. But I just don’t have the energy to deal with anyone else’s chit-chat and drama at the moment. I know that is completely selfish because people need me too. I’m not the only person having a rough time. But at the same time I kind of feel like if my brain has to register any more feelings or situations then I might just explode. Plus, I just don’t care today. Sorry, I know that is horrible, but my brain isn’t interested. I’M TOO TIRED.

I just wish I could get my shit together, I’m an adult for crying out loud. I make plans to exercise, to get up earlier and make breakfast, to eat my 5 a day, to drink the right amount of water. Do I do it? No. Not exactly helping myself (Although I have been gluten and caffeine free for the last couple of weeks, so GO ME! I miss Gluten and caffeine.) I feel like I just need someone to get my shit together for me. But that’s wrong. I am quite capable. I just don’t have the energy. I kind of feel like what’s the point? I hate it when I am in this mood. I’ve been like this all week. I think it’s because Valentines Day is coming up. I’m like this around any time a celebration is due, because it makes me feel guilty that I am STILL suffering from anxiety, and that I can’t celebrate in the way that I should be able to. I think it’s getting scarier at the moment because every time a celebration happens I think back to what I was doing at the same time last year, and it’s the same thing.

I know I have got better than I was. Hypnotherapy helped me tons. But since the people doing my CBT told me I had to stop any kind of treatment for 2 months before they could help me, I think I kind of gave up. I’ve not been doing anything other than go to work for the last 6 weeks, and I feel like I’ve lost a lot of progress. I am kind of feeling a bit like I’m back where I was at the beginning again. I am angry at myself, I shouldn’t have let this happen.

Anyway, that’s enough of me bitching for one night. Thanks for listening/reading, as always. Knowing there are people across the world that feel the same as I do sometimes, makes me feel better in itself.

Happy Friday ladies and gents, hope you have a fantastic weekend, you deserve it!

Wishing you all of the luck in the world (Maybe save a bit for me!)

X

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