Be your own safety. 

If you look for safety within others, you will always feel an overwhelming sense of loss and instability when your situation or the people you are surrounded by changes.

It’s remarkable how much it will benefit you to create a home within yourself. Do what you can to learn how to not allow a situation or a person to make you feel unsettled, you have everything within your mind and your heart to make yourself always feel at home.

Be your own safety.



This is a post I thought I’d posted months and months ago, but it was in my drafts…
Hey guys.

I haven’t written a blog post for MONTHS, and the longer I left it, the harder it got. So here’s an update for those of you that got used to me moaning on a weekly basis!

Things have been a bit crazy and weird for me over the last 6 months. I wrote my last post in April, I was a little fucked up then. I changed my anti depressants shortly after, and that seemed to improve my quality of life massively. It seems weird saying it like that, but that’s what happened. I started some tablets to help my anxiety as well, so it started actually feeling like there could be some form of future lurking in the distance for me, which I had started to believe wasn’t ever going to be a possibility for me again.

Although I haven’t accomplished any major victories anxiety wise, day to day living has got easier. At my worst point I was an anxious mess from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning to the moment I closed them again at night. I couldn’t step foot outside the front door without a panic attack within 5 minutes and my whole life just become about anxiety. It was all I could think about, all I could talk about. I lived (Or didn’t) and breathed it. Things have really changed since then. I don’t want to fool any of you into thinking I’m cured, so now’s a good time to tell you I haven’t all of a sudden got the mental balls to get in the car and drive more than 5 miles, but I’ve hit my own small milestones, and that’s something for me to be proud of for sure. I’ve still got a very long way to go, but I guess I am heading in the right direction.

I finally saw a specialist for my stomach issues, and had a colonoscopy last week (For any of you that don’t know what it is, they put a camera in your nether regions to take a look at the inside of your bowel etc, it’s all very dramatic) that in itself is a massive achievement, considering at one point I was struggling to even sit in a doctors waiting room for 10 minutes. Anyhow, they didn’t find anything suspicious looking, but they’ve taken some biopsies which I should get the results of within about 6 weeks. If they come back all clear then it looks like I’m a long serving member of the IBS club. How thrilling.

Things were kind of good-ish, and now I feel like I’m slipping back into the darkness to some extent. Everything just feels a bit over whelming, and knowing that I’m basically just going to have to deal with my stomach issues, and as a result, my anxiety issues, makes me feel a bit blue. It doesn’t make me feel particularly excited about what’s in store for me for the rest of my life! Maybe I am just destined for a fucked up life, who knows. But I’m not alone I know that.

This was harder to write than I thought. Maybe my blogging days are over. It never feels like what I’m writing is worth anything anymore, so it takes the enjoyment out of it.

Hope all you amazing humans are all good.

Lots of love. X

2015-09-25 14.57.50

0 Me – 1 Anxiety.

I haven’t posted in a few weeks, for any of you that read my last blog post (those of you who didn’t, you can read it here) I had planned to conquer ASDA to find smelly candles, but I was so wrapped up in the excitement of kicking anxieties arse in a hectic Argos on a bank holiday weekend that I didn’t realise it wasn’t open on bank holiday Monday! Fail. Rest assured, I’ve been several times since, so consider that well and truly conquered. Not much else has happened on the Graded Exposure front, I’ve done a few minor trips to B&Q and super markets, but no new progress to tell of.

The last few weeks have been a bit full of mixed emotions really, my day-to-day anxiety has reduced somewhat (Probably due to the lack of caffeine!) I can’t remember waking up feeling anxious over the past month, which is a good sign I guess. But I haven’t tried as much as I should have to go out. Leaving the house is SO mentally exhausting, so sometimes I just don’t even try. Although Graded Exposure is supposed to reduce my anxiety, it does when I’m out doing something, but it never makes it any easier to actually get the courage to go and do that thing if that makes sense. I still feel anxious before leaving the house, and I talk myself into and out of doing the activity repeatedly, it seems like that may always just be how it is, which makes everything seem a little pointless.

Last week I dropped into my mums after work as she hadn’t been well during the day, and I wasn’t able to get hold of her. I expected to find her sleeping off her illness but I ended up having to call an ambulance because she was pretty much unresponsive when I arrived. My mum has been poorly for a really long time now, she’s only 45 yet she’s had more than her fair share of bad luck on the health front, or any front really, but I’ll save that for another blog post. So yeah, an ambulance has been called a few times over the last year, just not usually by me. The difference this time is that my anxiety stopped me from being able to be there for her in the way that I should have. In the midst of her falling asleep and waking up every two minutes, begging me not to leave her, I had to try to explain to her that I wouldn’t be able to go to the hospital with her. When my mum is in her right mind she understands my anxiety better than anyone, but when she’s sick and delirious, she doesn’t remember. How awful do you think this made me feel?

When the paramedics got her into the ambulance I had to remind her again that I couldn’t come to the hospital but that I had already spoken to relatives and asked them to meet her up there. All I kept thinking was that the paramedics must have thought ‘What could be more important than being with your mum right now’, I wasn’t about to shout my problems from the roof top and explain to them why I couldn’t go. I felt like the worst human being in the world. I should have been there. If anything happened to her, I would never have forgiven myself. This is when anxiety makes me mad. This is when it limits my life more than any other time and I get angry at myself for not getting through it. This is when I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Why couldn’t I just suck it up for one night? Why does my brain have to do this super crazy thing and work against me when I really need it to co-operate. Why can’t I be better now.

I feel so  down on my luck at the moment. I feel like I have put SO much effort into trying to get better, and I can’t really see that I am being rewarded in any way. Yeah, I can go to Sainsbury’s on a good day, but who the hell cares? Not me. Because I am past that now. When is it time for me to be happy? When is it time for something to work out for me? How much can I give before I can’t mentally or physically give any more? I hate to feel sorry for myself, I hope that none of you get the impression that I am. I am just a little bit stuck in-between existing and living at the moment. I have my hospital appointment next month to look into my stomach issues, and at the moment I don’t even know if I will be able to go. Obviously I will try my hardest, but if anxiety wins then that’s just how it is. Keep your fingers crossed for me. A bit of luck sent my way would be greatly appreciated.

I have had a lot of good days over the past few weeks, and it’s hard to remember that when you’re depressed. If I think back to how my crazy brain was only a month or two ago, nearly every day was full of sadness and I lost hope somewhere, where as recently my outlook has become somewhat positive. Just not today friends, not today. Not yesterday either. And maybe not the day before. Still however, happier than I was not too long ago. Or maybe not happy, maybe just ‘fine’. Sorry to write a post of grumbles, but you guys understand more than anyone ever could, because you feel this too.

Lots of love x


Every great story starts with a trip to Argos, right?

Yo bloggers,

As part of my CBT I’ve been trying out  Graded Exposure, last Monday I went to sainsburys, I started with around 70% anxiety on route, and by the time I’d walked up and down the aisles for a while it dropped to around 50% and then pretty much stayed there for the entire visit. Then on Tuesday I tried again, I started with around 50% anxiety and it dropped to around 20% within the first 5-10 minutes until I got back in the car and went home. I was ok with that, small but significant accomplishment.

Today I went to Argos. I am totally living the dream, I know you are all so jealous of my rock and roll life style but what can I say? It just comes naturally to me. First sainsburys, then Argos, what next? The possibilities are endless. I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me. So I started off with around 60% anxiety on the way, and this stayed steady until I got into argos and was queuing. Out of nowhere my anxiety levels increased to 100% when I was at the point of no return waiting for my item (a hoover incase your interested) I started panicking, it was super busy and all I could hear was too much noise and all I could see was too many people. I was sweating and tingling all over, and I called over my boyfriend to make up a back up plan. This was totally against the rules, my boyfriend is supposed to be a silent partner in my graded exposure experiment, he is my get away driver only, and is not supposed to give me any form of reassurance. I am such a rebel. He didn’t give me any reassurance though, I couldn’t really get my words out properly, I just ordered him (politely, obviously) to go back to where he was previously so I could panic in silence. Then something great happened. I got over it. We both carried on with our separate tasks and I lived to tell the tale. It’s practically a miracle. I conquered the war that is Argos on a bank holiday weekend. Somebody pour this girl a drink.

This is apparently called Prolonged exposure, because like graded exposure isn’t torture enough, I also have to stay in the situation that makes me want to pass out on the floor crying for my mum. So you heard it here first guys, not only did I manage to peel myself off the sofa that I was fairly confident I had become a permanent fixture of, I got my clothes on, and I went to argos even though I just wanted to stay in my own little bubble and laugh at the outside world, and I actually survived.

What’s tomorrow’s adventure I hear you ask? ASDA. Because I’m going to look for some smelly candles. ASDA’S where it’s at guys. I heard all the cool kids go there.

I rewarded myself with a relaxing bath and a Lush Cosmetics bath bomb, and I smell funkin DELICIOUS.

HAPPY EASTER WEEKEND. Try and do something out of your comfort zone, anything counts. Lots of love and luck to you all. I will update you tomorrow if it doesn’t go disgustingly wrong with me ending up an emotional wreck because either A) I can’t find any scented candles that dont smell like Christmas (Why is Christmas the main ingredient in candles?! I love Christmas guys don’t get me wrong, but there’s a time and a place and it’s not April in aisle 12) or B) I have a major panic attack, drop all my shit on the floor, run to the designated get away vehicle and cry all the way home.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.



The lost pieces of me.

When I was in my early teens, I was a completely different person to who I am now. I know as we grow older we all lose parts of us, I guess that’s what growing up is about, maturity, but there are parts of me I wish I hadn’t let slip out of my sight. I was always one of those people that never let a bad situation get me down. I would laugh in the face of uncertainty and use comedy and sarcasm as a distraction. I of course have always been a little bit anxious, I have mentioned that previously, I didn’t just become an anxious mess over night, it’s been niggling away at small parts of me for as long as I can remember, but I knew how to deal with it then. Well, I didn’t give it a great deal of thought, I didn’t treat anxiety like it was anything, because I didn’t know what it was, and I’m beginning to think that was pretty smart. If only I could have kept that.

 I am not one to ‘Toot my own horn’ as the saying goes, I am not very confident or self assured, but because I feel like I am talking about past me rather than present, I feel confident in saying that I used to be a bit funny. I was quick witted and sarcastic, and I didn’t need anyone to tell me that. Somewhere over the years I lost that, I stopped finding enjoyment in life and it’s hard to be funny when you don’t really have an interest in anything. Sometimes I catch glimpses of past me and it makes me both happy and sad at the same time.

I don’t want this blog to be about my past and what experiences I had that lead up to the person I am now, because I don’t necessarily think that anyone or anything should be blamed for my mental health issues, but I guess there were/are contributing factors that have made me the person I am, and some stories can’t be told without a bit of back ground. I did write a couple of long paragraphs about my childhood, but I found myself feeling uncomfortable with what was written so maybe another time. 

Someone mentioned to me recently they are finding it difficult to adjust to the person I have become over the last couple of years, and I’m finding that hard too. I feel a bit like I don’t know myself anymore, I remember the person I used to be and I know the person that I want to be, but I’m having trouble getting there. I’m feeling a little like I’m stuck out at sea, and the more I try to make my way back to shore, the further away the waves push me. It’s a really horrible feeling watching everyone moving on with their lives when you are too anxious to make any plans for the future. I do understand that it’s hard for other people to watch me falling deeper into a miserable black hole with no way of making things better for me, I think sometimes I forget that. I lost me, but my friends and family lost me too. Some people think that with the right support from the right people, I will get back to who I was but I feel like that ship has sailed now. I think anxiety and depression are always going to be a part of me and maybe it’s time to accept that. I’d like to think this doesn’t mean I will never be happy, I’d hope that I will find a new me that I love nearly as much as the old one, who knows, maybe I will even love myself more. Anxiety has taught me a massive amount, empathy being one of the top 5 things, and I think that’s a really great thing.

One day I will find my spark again, and maybe it will shine brighter than it ever has. Let’s just hope that one day is soon.

Lots of love to anyone that needs it, you got through today and that’s such an achievement. 



What’s wrong with being happy?

So something I’ve noticed since I’ve been blogging, is that some fellow bloggers, don’t care for positivity. I’m not saying this goes for everyone, I’m sure there are a fair few of you that love an upbeat post, but from my experience so far I’m much more likely to get a few likes on a negative/down post than I am one about positivity.

I kind of understand why, I guess it’s more relatable when I write a post about my troubles and feelings etc, and I myself am probably guilty of skimming past the upbeat posts, because lets face it, who wants to be feeling like all the happy people are shoving their happy perfect lives in your face when you can’t get your own shit together?

However, reality check, it’s time to stop comparing our lives to other peoples. For the following reasons:

  • People only show you the parts of their lives they want you to see
  • Everyone deals with situations differently
  • You can’t always be everyones cup of tea
  • Just because no one clicked the little star button on your post, it doesn’t mean they didn’t love it!
  • There are a thousand things that make you incredible

With regards to people only showing you the parts of their lives they want you to see, I have a perfect example. I’m not sure if any of your read my last blog post (you can read it here  but in short it was about the guilt I have surrounding the affects my mental health issues have on my boyfriend. However, what I didn’t mention in that post, is that my boyfriend has bipolar, and I didn’t go into any detail about how that affects me. Therefore you only got the part of my life that I wanted to show you. You probably would have had a completely different picture of my life if I had given you the whole story and not just half of it.

So back to my original point, I once wrote a really positive post about how I was feeling ready to take my anxiety on and show it what I’m made of, and I think one person liked it, maybe two, and this made me feel really disheartened, like people didn’t want to see me happy. Today I’m feeling positive, the sun was shining earlier and I had my first CBT session, but I felt a little apprehensive about writing a blog post about it, and that’s kind of not ok. I see blogging a little bit like a community, with online friends who are supporting you and following your story through good days and bad days, so I encourage you to reach out to someone whether they write a negative post or a positive one, because they might really need your encouragement.

When I am feeling positive, it is usually pretty short lived. I get a wave of happiness and then come crashing back down to earth, sometimes in a matter of hours, sometimes in a day or two. I know that the happiness and positive feelings that come with a smile slapped across your face is something I am aiming to feel more permanently, and I can assure you that with a little gentle encouragement, there is much more of a chance of that happiness lasting that tiny bit longer. I truly believe that a positive outlook can change your life, and that is something I am trying to learn. So please guys, when someone writes a blog post about being raring to go, feeling ready to say a massive screw you to anxiety/depression/a bad day, try and make a concious effort to give them a little encouragement, I know I plan to.

You have the power to change someones mood for the good, even if just for a moment, so for the love of mankind take that power and run with it.


Me, Him & Mental Health Issues.

  • When I started suffering severely with anxiety and stomach issues, me and my boyfriend had only been together for about 6 months from what I remember. We didn’t really get to enjoy the best parts of our relationship, and I regret that. Like all or most couples, we’ve had some major ups and downs, but he has tried his hardest to be supportive. For what feels like the majority of our relationship, he has had to deal with the anxious side of me, and I kind of feel this isn’t fair on either of us.

I haven’t gone into massive amounts of detail about my anxiety on my blog, because it’s quite difficult to explain exactly how I feel, without it sounding silly, but basically I have a panic attack whenever I try to go anywhere that isn’t work, which then leads to some physical issues, and reinforces the fear. People assume I have IBS, but this isn’t necessarily the case, the bowel issues came before the anxiety. Anyway, sometimes I get the courage to try to do something, to get out of the house and try to enjoy a small activity with my boyfriend (Normally only when he says ‘Right, we’re doing this’ instead of giving me a choice, but it is of course up to me, he doesn’t force me.) Today was one of those days, we went to the garden centre (Dream big), and two things happened; 1) I didn’t have a panic attack. 2) We had to cut the trip short because I’ve had diarrhea for the past few days and got the stomach cramping warning signs of needing to get home ASAP. When I said I needed to leave, I felt the mood shift. I can’t explain it, but it makes me feel like I have let him down, and the look in his eyes makes my heart break a little every time it happens.

Sometimes I question whether I should try to work through my issues alone. I know he isn’t happy, he’s told me before, but I asked for a little more time and nothing has changed much since then. We do get on really well, we hardly ever argue, I genuinely can’t remember the last time we did. However, he is very much a ‘get out there and live life’ type of person, and I am denying him of that at the moment. This isn’t what he signed up for, and I have to live with the guilt from that. At least one of us should be able to get out there and see what the world has to offer, and that one of us isn’t me. I don’t really know what is best, I know without him I would be miserable, but at the same time I can’t be selfish and just think of my own happiness. I just know that I will always regret it. When I am better I will know what could have been, and that’s so shitty.

When we first had the ‘What are we doing, we’re really unhappy’ chat, that was when we first realised I had some major issues that I needed to work through, and since then I have tried. I’ve spent my savings on hypnotherapy, I’ve brought books on meditation, depression, anxiety, I’ve gone on antidepressants, I’ve tried medication for my stomach, I’ve tried going gluten-free, I’ve cut out caffeine, I’ve been referred to the hospital for my stomach issues and I’ve been accepted for CBT for my anxiety. But it’s all been very long-winded and I’m still not really in a better position than I was 6 months ago.

I kind of just feel a bit lost at the moment. everyone’s getting engaged, married or having babies, and I’m just stuck somewhere in-between, not really being able to move forward and dragging him down with me. Every day I lose a little bit more hope, and I am just praying for a miracle. I kind of just feel like somethings gotta give surely. I’ve been constantly battling to be happy for so long that I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be truly happy and that’s a really horrible way to live every day.

He is my rock, the other half of me. He keeps me grounded in this frantic world. He gets me snuggled up on the sofa when I’ve had a bad day and he takes care of everything. He is there when nobody else is. He is the light of my life, the best, kindest, most intelligent and the most truly wonderful person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Tell me how I’m supposed to willingly walk away from that.



Being scared of living, dying and everything inbetween.

I’m home alone tonight. I had some company earlier but they’ve headed home now, so I am alone with my thoughts and a big empty house. Anxiety is off the scale, and this inspired me to note down some of my biggest fears, I don’t know if they are rational, or irrational, I guess it would be hard for anyone else to know because you kind of can’t know how much they affect me, but I think the majority if not all of these fears give me a panic attack if I think about them enough. I’m basically just trying to keep myself distracted until my boyfriend arrives home, so you lucky guys get to receive a list of my fears. I know I know, you’ve completely been DYING to know so I’ll put you out of your misery.

  • Being home alone
  • Being burgled (Whilst in the house)
  • Getting carbon monoxide poisoning (Mainly whilst in the bath, who puts a darn boiler in a bathroom?!)
  • Forgetting to lock the door (Sometimes I get half way to work and turn back to check)
  • Leaving my keys in the door
  • Needing to go to the toilet in public
  • Dying
  • People I love dying (I feel like if I think about it, it will happen, and then it will be my fault)
  • Getting some bizarre disease (I convinced myself I had rabies for about 2 weeks after retrieving something out of the loft, because I’d seen it on Holby City the week before!)
  • Car accidents (And subsequently car journeys, but also because of the no toilet situation)
  • Hospitals
  • Shopping Centres/Super Markets (Incase there’s any terrorist activity whilst I’m there)
  • Cinemas (Same reason as above)
  • The Sea
  • Walking in the dark alone
  • Eating from restaurants and takeaways (This has got a bit better recently but is still on a case by case basis and just because I order it, doesn’t mean I enjoy it)
  • Dogs
  • Rats
  • Mice
  • Gerbils
  • Hamsters
  • Rabbits
  • Being in social situations with people I don’t know
  • Change (Good or bad)
  • Violence
  • Stress
  • Heights

There’s probably more but I am getting a bit tired now so my brain is turning to mush. Listing out the things that scare me makes me feel batshit crazy. I think this is why I struggle so much with being happy, because there’s not much that doesn’t bring me anxiety. Bleurgh. Am I crazy? Maybe. But I heard all the best people are. I tell you one thing I do know, being anxious makes me tired.