- When I started suffering severely with anxiety and stomach issues, me and my boyfriend had only been together for about 6 months from what I remember. We didn’t really get to enjoy the best parts of our relationship, and I regret that. Like all or most couples, we’ve had some major ups and downs, but he has tried his hardest to be supportive. For what feels like the majority of our relationship, he has had to deal with the anxious side of me, and I kind of feel this isn’t fair on either of us.
I haven’t gone into massive amounts of detail about my anxiety on my blog, because it’s quite difficult to explain exactly how I feel, without it sounding silly, but basically I have a panic attack whenever I try to go anywhere that isn’t work, which then leads to some physical issues, and reinforces the fear. People assume I have IBS, but this isn’t necessarily the case, the bowel issues came before the anxiety. Anyway, sometimes I get the courage to try to do something, to get out of the house and try to enjoy a small activity with my boyfriend (Normally only when he says ‘Right, we’re doing this’ instead of giving me a choice, but it is of course up to me, he doesn’t force me.) Today was one of those days, we went to the garden centre (Dream big), and two things happened; 1) I didn’t have a panic attack. 2) We had to cut the trip short because I’ve had diarrhea for the past few days and got the stomach cramping warning signs of needing to get home ASAP. When I said I needed to leave, I felt the mood shift. I can’t explain it, but it makes me feel like I have let him down, and the look in his eyes makes my heart break a little every time it happens.
Sometimes I question whether I should try to work through my issues alone. I know he isn’t happy, he’s told me before, but I asked for a little more time and nothing has changed much since then. We do get on really well, we hardly ever argue, I genuinely can’t remember the last time we did. However, he is very much a ‘get out there and live life’ type of person, and I am denying him of that at the moment. This isn’t what he signed up for, and I have to live with the guilt from that. At least one of us should be able to get out there and see what the world has to offer, and that one of us isn’t me. I don’t really know what is best, I know without him I would be miserable, but at the same time I can’t be selfish and just think of my own happiness. I just know that I will always regret it. When I am better I will know what could have been, and that’s so shitty.
When we first had the ‘What are we doing, we’re really unhappy’ chat, that was when we first realised I had some major issues that I needed to work through, and since then I have tried. I’ve spent my savings on hypnotherapy, I’ve brought books on meditation, depression, anxiety, I’ve gone on antidepressants, I’ve tried medication for my stomach, I’ve tried going gluten-free, I’ve cut out caffeine, I’ve been referred to the hospital for my stomach issues and I’ve been accepted for CBT for my anxiety. But it’s all been very long-winded and I’m still not really in a better position than I was 6 months ago.
I kind of just feel a bit lost at the moment. everyone’s getting engaged, married or having babies, and I’m just stuck somewhere in-between, not really being able to move forward and dragging him down with me. Every day I lose a little bit more hope, and I am just praying for a miracle. I kind of just feel like somethings gotta give surely. I’ve been constantly battling to be happy for so long that I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be truly happy and that’s a really horrible way to live every day.
He is my rock, the other half of me. He keeps me grounded in this frantic world. He gets me snuggled up on the sofa when I’ve had a bad day and he takes care of everything. He is there when nobody else is. He is the light of my life, the best, kindest, most intelligent and the most truly wonderful person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Tell me how I’m supposed to willingly walk away from that.