I haven’t posted in a few weeks, for any of you that read my last blog post (those of you who didn’t, you can read it here) I had planned to conquer ASDA to find smelly candles, but I was so wrapped up in the excitement of kicking anxieties arse in a hectic Argos on a bank holiday weekend that I didn’t realise it wasn’t open on bank holiday Monday! Fail. Rest assured, I’ve been several times since, so consider that well and truly conquered. Not much else has happened on the Graded Exposure front, I’ve done a few minor trips to B&Q and super markets, but no new progress to tell of.
The last few weeks have been a bit full of mixed emotions really, my day-to-day anxiety has reduced somewhat (Probably due to the lack of caffeine!) I can’t remember waking up feeling anxious over the past month, which is a good sign I guess. But I haven’t tried as much as I should have to go out. Leaving the house is SO mentally exhausting, so sometimes I just don’t even try. Although Graded Exposure is supposed to reduce my anxiety, it does when I’m out doing something, but it never makes it any easier to actually get the courage to go and do that thing if that makes sense. I still feel anxious before leaving the house, and I talk myself into and out of doing the activity repeatedly, it seems like that may always just be how it is, which makes everything seem a little pointless.
Last week I dropped into my mums after work as she hadn’t been well during the day, and I wasn’t able to get hold of her. I expected to find her sleeping off her illness but I ended up having to call an ambulance because she was pretty much unresponsive when I arrived. My mum has been poorly for a really long time now, she’s only 45 yet she’s had more than her fair share of bad luck on the health front, or any front really, but I’ll save that for another blog post. So yeah, an ambulance has been called a few times over the last year, just not usually by me. The difference this time is that my anxiety stopped me from being able to be there for her in the way that I should have. In the midst of her falling asleep and waking up every two minutes, begging me not to leave her, I had to try to explain to her that I wouldn’t be able to go to the hospital with her. When my mum is in her right mind she understands my anxiety better than anyone, but when she’s sick and delirious, she doesn’t remember. How awful do you think this made me feel?
When the paramedics got her into the ambulance I had to remind her again that I couldn’t come to the hospital but that I had already spoken to relatives and asked them to meet her up there. All I kept thinking was that the paramedics must have thought ‘What could be more important than being with your mum right now’, I wasn’t about to shout my problems from the roof top and explain to them why I couldn’t go. I felt like the worst human being in the world. I should have been there. If anything happened to her, I would never have forgiven myself. This is when anxiety makes me mad. This is when it limits my life more than any other time and I get angry at myself for not getting through it. This is when I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Why couldn’t I just suck it up for one night? Why does my brain have to do this super crazy thing and work against me when I really need it to co-operate. Why can’t I be better now.
I feel so down on my luck at the moment. I feel like I have put SO much effort into trying to get better, and I can’t really see that I am being rewarded in any way. Yeah, I can go to Sainsbury’s on a good day, but who the hell cares? Not me. Because I am past that now. When is it time for me to be happy? When is it time for something to work out for me? How much can I give before I can’t mentally or physically give any more? I hate to feel sorry for myself, I hope that none of you get the impression that I am. I am just a little bit stuck in-between existing and living at the moment. I have my hospital appointment next month to look into my stomach issues, and at the moment I don’t even know if I will be able to go. Obviously I will try my hardest, but if anxiety wins then that’s just how it is. Keep your fingers crossed for me. A bit of luck sent my way would be greatly appreciated.
I have had a lot of good days over the past few weeks, and it’s hard to remember that when you’re depressed. If I think back to how my crazy brain was only a month or two ago, nearly every day was full of sadness and I lost hope somewhere, where as recently my outlook has become somewhat positive. Just not today friends, not today. Not yesterday either. And maybe not the day before. Still however, happier than I was not too long ago. Or maybe not happy, maybe just ‘fine’. Sorry to write a post of grumbles, but you guys understand more than anyone ever could, because you feel this too.
Lots of love x