Being scared of living, dying and everything inbetween.

I’m home alone tonight. I had some company earlier but they’ve headed home now, so I am alone with my thoughts and a big empty house. Anxiety is off the scale, and this inspired me to note down some of my biggest fears, I don’t know if they are rational, or irrational, I guess it would be hard for anyone else to know because you kind of can’t know how much they affect me, but I think the majority if not all of these fears give me a panic attack if I think about them enough. I’m basically just trying to keep myself distracted until my boyfriend arrives home, so you lucky guys get to receive a list of my fears. I know I know, you’ve completely been DYING to know so I’ll put you out of your misery.

  • Being home alone
  • Being burgled (Whilst in the house)
  • Getting carbon monoxide poisoning (Mainly whilst in the bath, who puts a darn boiler in a bathroom?!)
  • Forgetting to lock the door (Sometimes I get half way to work and turn back to check)
  • Leaving my keys in the door
  • Needing to go to the toilet in public
  • Dying
  • People I love dying (I feel like if I think about it, it will happen, and then it will be my fault)
  • Getting some bizarre disease (I convinced myself I had rabies for about 2 weeks after retrieving something out of the loft, because I’d seen it on Holby City the week before!)
  • Car accidents (And subsequently car journeys, but also because of the no toilet situation)
  • Hospitals
  • Shopping Centres/Super Markets (Incase there’s any terrorist activity whilst I’m there)
  • Cinemas (Same reason as above)
  • The Sea
  • Walking in the dark alone
  • Eating from restaurants and takeaways (This has got a bit better recently but is still on a case by case basis and just because I order it, doesn’t mean I enjoy it)
  • Dogs
  • Rats
  • Mice
  • Gerbils
  • Hamsters
  • Rabbits
  • Being in social situations with people I don’t know
  • Change (Good or bad)
  • Violence
  • Stress
  • Heights

There’s probably more but I am getting a bit tired now so my brain is turning to mush. Listing out the things that scare me makes me feel batshit crazy. I think this is why I struggle so much with being happy, because there’s not much that doesn’t bring me anxiety. Bleurgh. Am I crazy? Maybe. But I heard all the best people are. I tell you one thing I do know, being anxious makes me tired.

X

alice-wonderland

2 thoughts on “Being scared of living, dying and everything inbetween.

  1. Have you thought about playing a radio while you’re at home alone? Giving yourself another voice in the house can be comforting. For that particular purpose I tend to use talk radio (even if I don’t usually like it) and just let it be in a part of the house that I’m not listening to. Weather radio also works, since it never stops until you turn it off and it has a tune-out quality.
    For the locking the door/keys in the door part, my coping mechanism has always been to keep a distinctive keychain on my house key (the Yellow Submarine) and keep all my keys on the same carabiner. Then I know I have my house key when I get into the car.
    As for cars? I think the only way I became comfortable with driving was to just drive. Sometimes I had a friend in the car who was a good coach, but most of the time it was just me driving to the grocery store, or around the block, or sometimes just sitting in the car with my hands on the wheel and mentally replaying “What to do if.” Skidding? Foot off the brake and turn into the skid. What’s the safe following distance? How do I handle someone creeping up on my behind? Knowing what to do if was a big help.

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    1. I do try and make sure I have some back ground noise like TV or music, but then I worry that if someone tries to break in I won’t be able to hear them. I have all my keys on one bunch and they have a key ring on that makes a rattling noise, so normally on my way I check they are in my bag but then I can’t remember whether I actually locked the door or not. I was going to start making a note that I had locked it but then I thought I would prefer to try and ignore the irrational thought so it doesn’t become a kind of ritual. I don’t actually drive I’m just an awful passenger! I’m usually fine after a while once my mind is a bit more at ease, I try and read or play a game on my phone until I feel a little more settled, well I did when I was able to actually go out! Thank you for your suggestions, really appreciate you taking the time to help!

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