I’m not sure if any of you saw my last post, but basically it was about how I was feeling really positive and I felt like I was ready to kick anxiety’s butt. So that was on Sunday, and like always it was short lived and today I came crashing back down to earth unfortunately. I’m really really tired of losing the war against my irrational brain.
I’ve had a really crappy couple of days at work, and I think that seems to have a dramatic affect on my mental health. I’ve been really struggling to find happiness/satisfaction out of my job for the last 6 months, just being there makes me miserable, every day is stressful and then I get home and can’t shift the bad mood for a few hours. Luckily I have my boyfriend on hand to tell me appalling jokes in a bid to make me crack a smile. Then I go to bed and dread getting up for another miserable day. I know some of you are probably thinking “If it’s that bad why don’t you leave then” but unfortunately the anxiety situation is standing in the way of that at the moment.
My anxiety has hit an all time high again recently, I mentioned in one of my previous posts that I’d mastered supermarkets and some other busy places without having a panic attack and running for the nearest exit, but that’s kind of dwindled off now and I haven’t been anywhere other than work in the last couple of months. I’m so disappointed and mad at myself because I feel like all the progress I have made is now wasted. But at the same time, just a small trip down the road to pick something up for dinner takes so much of my mental energy up that avoiding the situation is easier. But I shouldn’t be going for the easier option because avoidance is what got me into this mess in the first place.
I’m just feeling a bit low and to be honest a bit freaking scared guys. I really thought I’d have my anxiety under control by now but I’m starting to wonder if I have it in me to overcome this. I feel like I’ve been fighting for so long to be happy, not just fighting anxiety but bad situation after bad situation since I was a kid, I just genuinely don’t know if I’ve got any energy or willpower left to fight with. When do you call it quits and admit defeat?
I just want to be back to “normal”. What even is normal anyway. Ok so I just want to be well. Better. Rid of anxiety. Rid of mental illness. Happy. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of happiness and I feel like I can’t really enjoy it because it’s temporary. How lame is that. I was looking at some photos the other day of me before my anxiety, and it made me so incredibly sad. I felt kind of like I was staring at a picture of a girl that I used to know, like an old friend, because that’s not me anymore. Take me back 2 years and let me do this all differently.
I need a virtual hug or a super lame joke ladies and gents. Help me out would you.