So I haven’t written a blog post in a few days. I’m going through a low phase at the moment, I am absolutely shattered both physically and mentally, and it’s hard to want to write when I feel this way. I warn you in advance, when I’m like this my brain is a bit of a jumbled mess so this is just a blog post of me feeling sorry for myself and seeking a bit of guidance really. Fun, huh?
I’ve been thinking a lot about my future over the past few days and to be honest I can’t really see one at the moment. I am so scared that this is my life, and this is how it is. I am 22 years old, I shouldn’t be suffering from mental health issues, no one should. I feel like I had only just started to live my life before my anxiety got severe, so what did I do to deserve this? No one deserves this. What if this is how it’s always going to be? What if I never get to live a fulfilling life? What if CBT doesn’t work? What then? What if I wake up one morning and can’t go to work anymore?
Realistically I know it’s not helpful thinking these things, but if I don’t voice my concerns then I think I may just go to bed and stay there until this year is over. I just feel completely exhausted at the moment. I feel like for the last two years, my whole life has revolved around anxiety and what I can and can’t do and what I should and shouldn’t think and I am just TIRED of it. I just want to wake up and say ‘Hey, let’s go for lunch!’ and enjoy it. But instead I wake up and know that it’s another weekend spent watching TV whilst everyone else is out living a life I’m dreaming of because I am too scared. Yes, I know that the chances of everything going wrong if I went out are slim, but anxiety is part of me now. Panic attacks are part of me. Anxiety wins time and time again.
Because I’ve been low I’ve done the old classic ignore everyone until they go away move. Not helpful. But I just don’t have the energy to deal with anyone else’s chit-chat and drama at the moment. I know that is completely selfish because people need me too. I’m not the only person having a rough time. But at the same time I kind of feel like if my brain has to register any more feelings or situations then I might just explode. Plus, I just don’t care today. Sorry, I know that is horrible, but my brain isn’t interested. I’M TOO TIRED.
I just wish I could get my shit together, I’m an adult for crying out loud. I make plans to exercise, to get up earlier and make breakfast, to eat my 5 a day, to drink the right amount of water. Do I do it? No. Not exactly helping myself (Although I have been gluten and caffeine free for the last couple of weeks, so GO ME! I miss Gluten and caffeine.) I feel like I just need someone to get my shit together for me. But that’s wrong. I am quite capable. I just don’t have the energy. I kind of feel like what’s the point? I hate it when I am in this mood. I’ve been like this all week. I think it’s because Valentines Day is coming up. I’m like this around any time a celebration is due, because it makes me feel guilty that I am STILL suffering from anxiety, and that I can’t celebrate in the way that I should be able to. I think it’s getting scarier at the moment because every time a celebration happens I think back to what I was doing at the same time last year, and it’s the same thing.
I know I have got better than I was. Hypnotherapy helped me tons. But since the people doing my CBT told me I had to stop any kind of treatment for 2 months before they could help me, I think I kind of gave up. I’ve not been doing anything other than go to work for the last 6 weeks, and I feel like I’ve lost a lot of progress. I am kind of feeling a bit like I’m back where I was at the beginning again. I am angry at myself, I shouldn’t have let this happen.
Anyway, that’s enough of me bitching for one night. Thanks for listening/reading, as always. Knowing there are people across the world that feel the same as I do sometimes, makes me feel better in itself.
Happy Friday ladies and gents, hope you have a fantastic weekend, you deserve it!
Wishing you all of the luck in the world (Maybe save a bit for me!)