My 5 Truths.

So, I have written a little about how anxiety graced my life with its presence, and a little about treatments I’ve tried, but I feel that maybe I haven’t really got much off my chest. The whole point of this blog being anonymous is so I can tell the world my worries, and not be judged for it, well, not by people I know at least 😉 so here are 5 truths, about me and how I feel today.

1. I am more scared than I ever thought possible. I have suffered with depression since I was around 14-15 years old, so my sky has been a little cloudy for around 8 years now, and then the hurricane that is anxiety came along and wrecked my world when the clouds were just starting to disperse. I am scared that anxiety is always going to be a part of me now, I feel like even if I do get better, it’s always going to be at the back of my head, waiting to present itself again, so I will never be able to live the life that I want. I think most of all I am scared that the people I know and love will give up on me. At the moment, I don’t exactly have much to offer. But hey, I can go to supermarkets now, so if you wanna go food shopping, I’m your girl 😉

2. I made an anonymous blog because I am embarrassed of the person I have become. I don’t really want my friends and family knowing that I nearly shit my pants every time I leave the comfort of my own home. All in all I think around a maximum of 10-15 people know about my anxiety. And even they don’t know the extent of it. The rest would just think I’m ‘Going through a phase.’ I’M NOT 5 YEARS OLD.

3. I buy too many pairs of shoes. Which is quite ironic really considering I don’t actually go anywhere to wear them. But they look pretty, and they make me feel better. Vans and converse incase you were wondering. Not high heels. If I have a day where I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, I buy a new pair of shoes. I should probably stop that. Maybe.

4. Recently I’ve been going through a major ‘THERE’S TOO MUCH STUFF IN OUR HOUSE, WE NEED TO THROW IT ALL AWAY’ phase, but no matter how much I get rid of, or how much I tidy it up, it doesn’t feel enough. I feel like I want to throw nearly everything away and start again from scratch, and only keep things that have a place where they can actually ago. Nicely and organised so the house doesn’t look cluttered. I think this is just because I can’t get my own issues in order, I am taking it out on our possessions instead. Or maybe I’m just over thinking it and we have too much junk. Why couldn’t I go through a phase like this that involved something productive like taking up running?! Damn anxiety, stop fucking with me.

5. There is not one thing that I like/love/enjoy about myself. I’ve been asked the ‘What is your favourite thing about yourself, COME ON there must be one thing?!’ Question a million times, and I normally just end up lying and saying something like my fingers to get people to quit hassling me. But honestly, there is not one thing that I can thing of that I think is pretty damn cool. Fingers will have to do for now. This was meant to be ‘My 10 Truths’ But I got to number 5 and felt like I’d been open enough for one night.

I would love to hear your 5 Truths, happy or sad or somewhere in between. Even 1 would be cool.

X

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14 thoughts on “My 5 Truths.

  1. Been there. I think the hardest part is remembering that it’s not something wrong with me– myself, personally. My brain, and my brain chemistry, is fighting me. My fear responses (or when I’m depressed, my pleasure responses) are out of whack.

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      1. Good on you for getting out here! It’s hard. *points at my own blog* I’ve only been writing since October, and only recently been talking about my own issues– originally I wasn’t going to talk about them at all. It’s scary.

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  2. Truth 1- I have been suffering from anxiety for 13 years. I have only realized it was anxiety for about 10. I just visited a therapist for the first time last week. I am 30 years old now, even though a lot of great stuff happened in my twenties, that whole period of my life was clouded with anxiety and fear

    Truth 2- throughout my life I have taken up a lot of hobbies . when I first take them up, I often obsess over them. After a while they drift away. Not because I don’t like them, but because my anxiety takes over.

    Truth 3- my anxiety has always been based on fear. Some of the fear is rooted from real concerns in my life , but most of it is based on irrational fears and intrusive thoughts. Every time I come to terms with a fear, be it real or irrational , I feel good for a period of time, and create a new fear and repeat the cycle. It feels like a trap.

    Truth 4- I am a good person, but I have intrusive thoughts about the most horrible things . things that are irrational , things that I would never do. But since I suffer from pure o ocd , rather than brush them off, I obsess over them. Focusing on things that mean nothing, putting importance on things that don’t deserve it. This process causes me to loose joy in all the things that do matter.

    Truth 5-
    Writing these truths in your comment section made me feel a bit better. You are not alone. There are many of us , normal people, suffering from many forms of mental illness, that understand how you feel. That can relate . That will help you in any way we can even though we have never met you. Simply because we understand you.

    Sincerely ,
    Matt

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your 5 Truths with me, I know it isn’t easy sharing details about anxiety with others (Well, for me it’s not!) so I really appreciate it. It’s nice to know that I’m not ‘Just crazy’ and that there are other normal people in the world that see things similar to me. Makes me feel less alone. Your 5th truth was very heart warming. I hope you find some comfort in your therapy if you choose to continue it, and I hope that my blog can help you in some small way

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  3. I look forward to following your blog, and it already Has helped me, in the same way my truths helped you, being that we are not alone . I am excited about the hope that therapy offers, and look forward to figuring this all out in a healthy way. I hope the best for you and look forward to following your posts and journey and hopefully getting to know each other a bit .

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  4. dont,be,ashamed,of,your,anxiety. dont be afraid to tell the ones you love and care about. they can,either help you or at worst do nothing. i know,the fear all to well. im afraid right,now,to leave,home,and,go drive 30 minutes,into town for arrends. i know how,you feel. its scary leaving your,comfort zones. even,thinking about it,is.

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      1. anxiety is silly. its ridiculouse! your thinking 24/7 about things. having panic attacks,for,irrational reasosns and,you know,they are, but,you cant help the feeling. its not,silly as in its,stupid,or non important. its silly because,its such a ridiculous thing (if that made and sense at all)

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  5. Hi, thanks for sharing this so openly.

    The world here is built on fear. It is an inherent characteristic of the human condition. For some, fear is more dominant than for others, though. But we all suffer from it. It is just a matter of degree.

    I have been around a forum recently, where a guy who had suffered from anxiety recommended this site:
    http://www.anxietycoach.com/

    He used to point out that the basic insight about anxiety was this:
    “The Anxiety Trick is this: You experience Discomfort, and get fooled into treating it like Danger.”
    ( quoted from http://www.anxietycoach.com/anxietytrick.html)
    So, his approach to anxiety was exposure therapy – with learning to be with the uncomfortable
    feeling instead of trying to avoid it.

    I am sure you have tried a lot already. So, I don’t know whether any of this will be helpful to you, but I tought I’d give it a try.

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